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Moon of My Life, My Sun and My Stars


This little fox.... is Wesley James Frederick Graham.

Moon of my life, my sun and my stars (a nod to my fellow GOT fans).


Photo by MorningsWithEm (Ashlee Jones)

Wesley James, is easily, the most beautiful child I have ever beheld.


I’m not sure if it is so much that he looks like something straight out of an Anne Geddes calendar, or that he is quite literally a clone of my extremely handsome husband, but some days I can’t believe that God chose ME to be this little cherub-baby’s mama.





Every day, he changes and grows.


It's bittersweet, watching your baby grow. While it is rewarding to know that his father and I are providing him with the necessities that he needs to flourish, it is also a little heartbreaking when you realize that he will only be this little for a short time.


A few days ago, I scooped up my sweet son and hauled him off into his nursery. He was clad in his monkey printed "footy" pajamas and fussing due to fatigue. I shut off his lamp and hit the Hatch sound machine.


White noise.


We sat in the cream colored glider, slowly rocking, his little hand clasped around mine. I gently pressed his pacifier against his mouth and I caught him staring at me. Wesley looks up at me like most babies look up at their mothers when they're feeding or being held. Tonight, however, he was truly analyzing his mother with the sweetest eyes I had ever seen. He was truly taking me in that evening, as if for the very first time I was truly in focus.


When my eyes adjusted and caught his gaze, his focus shifted to the window behind me.


The moon.


The moon was high and extra luminous in a clear sky that evening. As I looked around the room, I realized that the most beautiful moonlight was washing over the both of us. My son was transfixed.


I always sing or hum a lullaby to him at bedtime.


Tonight I felt compelled to hum and sing, "Across The Universe".


"Words are flowing out

Like endless rain into a paper cup

They slither while they pass

They slip away across the universe

.....jai guru devaaaa Om......"


My baby gently closed his eyes, and drifted off to sleep...basking in the safety of my arms and washed in the warm light of the moon. I buried my face into his hair, inhaled, and cried tears of gratitude.


If heaven is a moment in time that we can take with us to the other side, that moment would be mine to relive forever.


Time.....



What a relentless beast.

There's too much, and not enough. It cares nothing for our feelings.


Wesley was born September 8, 2020, and I am currently having some mental difficulties grasping the fact that my son is almost 3 months old. I remember the very moment the doctor laid him on my chest, I felt a clock start ticking in my mind. It was a countdown to the end of my physical existence. A feeling of dread fell over me internally. I was like a flower that had waited her whole life to bloom, and suddenly I was wilting away.





" One day, I won't be here."


"One day, he's going to have to survive on his own."


Time suddenly became this living thing that I felt the need to compete with. Time became a phobia. I felt like I have stood in the shadow of a sun dial these past few months. I've been chasing the light with the darkness nipping at my heels.


This feeling leaked into debilitating postpartum anxiety that took me a few weeks to overcome. I felt like I was going to die, or my husband was going to die. Impending doom was lurking nearby, and every minute that passed was one minute closer to the end of my existence. This feeling was coupled with an overwhelming need to give my new baby everything, and when you're not producing enough breast milk or you feel sick while breastfeeding, the tsunami of darkness just becomes larger. I couldn't look at my breast pump. It's sitting in the pantry as we speak and I still can't look at it. I felt like a failure. I couldn't stop crying.


The postpartum mind is a monster.


When I came out of the PPA tunnel, I had a better understanding of time management and how I wanted to spend my time with, and away from my son. I needed to build something. Create something. While time is relentless indeed, it is how we spend each moment of our lives, and how we prioritize work, family duties, fun, and hobbies that create that lovely balance needed to feel sane and complete. I don't believe we really think about these types of things until we are responsible for little people who need our tender love and care 24 hours a day.


I am so grateful to be alive and well enough to nurture my little human. I am so grateful that my postpartum anxiety didn't debilitate me so much that I couldn't get out of bed. I still have struggles, even three months later, but I remain grateful when the walls close in. I feel that if we remain grateful during dark moments, we have the capability to create great things.


Gratitude, slows time, keeps me centered, keeps me creative, and keeps me moving forward.


Even if moving forward has me digging my heels into the ground to savor special moments just a minute more. In spite of time.....


....jai guru deva Om.................( Sanskrit for I give thanks.....)

Honestly, during the last few weeks of this whimsical endeavor, I have caught myself so wrapped up in making this project as beautiful as I can for all of you that I have often lost track of my time, as well as my purpose. My recent struggles include deciding whether to wait for absolute perfection with my creations and launch sales, or wait until the first of the year when I've perfected a few different styles like wood pyrography and leather embossing. I've felt the need to launch before year end. As a result, I've been making a lot of mistakes (like wasting expensive materials!).

The truth is, I don't think I'll ever achieve absolute perfection with this. I'm not sure if that is attainable, but we can get close to it.


Sometimes, we simply need to slow down and trust the process. This is difficult for me as I am not a patient woman. Just ask my husband! I am DYING to show everyone what I am working on. My ideas are endless.


I know that a successful business is not created over night, and the LAST thing that I want to do is launch a business with mediocre products.


Time.


It all takes time.


Guys, the list is ENDLESS, and each moment that I spend involved in it, I am learning new things about how time is truly of the essence but also so precious. While I dive full force into this project, I also want to make sure that I am being present for my son. I want him to see how hard I am working for our family both at my day job and small business. I want my husband and son to be proud of me.




I named my small business Wesley James Co. to leave my child a possible legacy. It's a reminder that while I am working, my son is the forefront of my focus. He is my "why". His name is on the logo, on the earring cards, the business cards....the websites. HE, is the forefront of everything in my life, and that is so special to me. This is my gift of gratitude to him, my husband...and to God.


Jai Guru Deva Om,


Lindsay






















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